Just another Saturday

The Hockey Game

So last night my friend has a few extra tickets to a minor league hockey game so me and a few others decide to take advantage of the situation. TheGirlfriend was at a Pure Romance party so it was Dudes Night Out. Did you know they have vibrators that cost $105? Makes me glad I’m a guy who doesn’t need a NASA designed and approved device to get mine…I digress…

The night is going pretty well. Hit up the bar in the arena for a drink or 2 before the game and find out seats. The game is alright for it being the AHL. We’re talking, laughing, being 4 college guys at a hockey game. Then in the middle of the 3rd period as my friend was telling me about the Super Bowl bet he put down,  this old guy sitting in the row in front of us turns around. I figured he was going to ask about the game, the bet, or something related to our conversation. Wrong. This dude had the nerve to tell us we were being “very rude” for talking so much….

Yeah, I know coach. I had that exact look on my face. Speechless. My friend who was talking couldn’t believe it either. Needless to say this sparked even more talking and the occasional “Hey everyone shut up you’re talking to much!” and other sarcastic ass comments whenever someone would cheer or “Shout” was played. There was also the “If you don’t like us talking call security. We’ll see how that goes.” (See my friend who got us the tickets works security at the arena so he knew pretty much everyone working that night. There was no way we were getting removed. winning.)

So I’m throwing out a big Eff You to this doucher (you know I took a picture of him).

You’re at a minor league hockey game up in the nose bleeds! This isn’t the NHL, you’re not sitting rink side at the Stanley Cup finals. Get off your high horse. Moving on.

The Dirtiest

We didn’t let this dude ruin our evening. I had planned on going back home after the game but it was my boy Danger’s birthday so we met up with him and his crew at the dirtiest bar they could find. I felt like I needed a full set of vaccinations just to go into that place…and the cure for aids.  Royal, TheYev, and El Capitan were there so you know someone was going to  be the drunkest and we were going to boogie.

This place is famous for their drink called the ” Hairy Buffalo”. Check it.

These things are half liquor, half whatever else they mix it with. They will knock you on your ass if drank at a normal pace. These clowns decided to have a race. There were 4 teams of 2 goin at it trying to be the first to finish. Now my boys Escobar Luango and Roger Dorsey were on the same team. Roger can shotgun a beer in 2 seconds flat. no lie, its been timed so needless to say we all know who won. This thing was gone in 20 seconds or less. The waitress just stood there shocked. She was thoroughly impressed.

This guy was watching the contest and decides to come over to us. He approaches Roger and says something to the effect “So you can drink fast but how fast are your hands?”. I immediately backed up not knowing what was about to go down. This guy pulls out a quarter and says he can snatch it out of Rogers hand before it closes. It was game on. Roger stood with his hand open, quarter dead center of his palm. The instructions were close your hand as soon as the other guys hand starts to move.

Wasn’t even a contest. This guy has the fastest hands I have ever seen. Just snatched that shit away immediately. Dude has made so much money off bar bets doin this. Check out the shitty video I took.

Apparently he used to be a boxer. Insane.

Moving on.

The Boogie

From the dirtiest of the dirtys we moved on to our regular bar where we frequently get shoutouts from the DJ, get the drunkest, and boogie the hardest.

It was Saturday which meant it was packed, cover, expensive drinks, the usual. I was going to have to leave in about 30 minutes and I didn’t want to pay cover to only be there a half hour so I decided I just wasn’t going to pay. The group in line ahead of me apparently knew a waitress and she came out and told the bouncer that they didn’t have to pay. See, you walk in and have to pay the cover at a register just inside the door. The leader of this group goes up to the girl at the register and starts to point to his group that doesn’t have to pay. I weasle my way right into the middle of them, throw the girl at the cash register a wink, pull out my phone like I’m talking to someone then just walk away. Winning.

The downstairs to this bar is a piano bar and upstairs is more of a dancing club scene. You know we like to boogie so we headed upstairs. El Captian decides he wants to get up on a chair and boogie. Who am I to stop him? He gets up and starts dancing. This old broad, someones mom, comes up and starts to join in. He pretty much put his crotch right in this ladies face and she was pickin up what he was layin down. Really into it.  Bouncer definitely came over and told him to quit standing on shit. Needless to say he did it again downstairs….almost got kicked out. Priceless.

Royal and I are standing there noticing a couple things. First we notice Billie Jean has just started playing then we notice it’s mostly females of the Caucasian persuasion on the dance floor AKA white women.

I turn to him and say “What are the odds that we can get the entire floor doing the electric slide?”

We took it to the floor…and it worked. Got everyone on the dance floor doing the electric slide with us. Priceless. This goes to show that if 2 black guys are doing the same dance then everyone in the place will stop, watch it for a second, learn it, then join in. I’m bout to come up with the wackest shit possible then hit the club and see what happens…or ill just crank that soulja boy.

Lets review

1. Don’t be the doucher at a hockey game.

2. Boxers win bar bets anytime.

3. Men stay winning for not needing that arm from the terminator to get them off.

4. Jonny D and Royal love to boogie.

5. Soulja Boy still sucks.

- Jonny D

Why….

Question: What is the most ridiculous thing Jonny D has seen a man wearing in class?

Answer: These

Angle 1

Angle 2

Big ass rubbery yellow boots. Dude is running around like he’s looking for Curious George with all that yellow.

You’re in class not on a crab fishing boat. This isn’t deadliest catch.

Man card revoked

- Jonny D

Top ten don’t be those girls #3

It’s finals week and I have found myself in the library once again. I should be typing a paper for my sports writing class but, like every time I SHOULD be doing something academic I find myself typing on this blog.

Internets is just one big distraction so are the loud bitches sitting at the tables behind me,.

Being in the library you expect certain things. One of which is a certain noise level to be kept and respected. But, like always, there is someone who feels their table is the funniest and everyone needs to know about it. These girls have not stopped talking since I got in here. I am 2 seconds away from saying something…

Yoda knows what I’m talkin about.

On top of the loud females behind me (I’ve learned one is named Jenny) there is this girl sitting at the table next to me who’s phone has gone off several times. Isn’t it common sense to turn off your ring tone when in the library, church, or a funeral? She didn’t get the memo. Our library has a staircase in the middle of it where people go when they get phone calls. She didn’t get the memo on that either. This girl had the nerve to answer her phone in the middle of the library…

I know coach…I know…

Lets Review

1. Don’t talk obnoxiously loud in places that you shouldn’t be.

2. Pete Carroll hates stupid bitches

3. Jonny D does actually do school work….sometimes.

- Jonny D

Jonny D and Royal vs The Chinese Buffet

Fact: You cannot eat at a Chinese buffet and be expected to function for the rest of the day. Me and my boy Royal decided it would be a good idea to hit up the local Chinese buffet, China 1,  during our break in between classes. Knowing our impending doom that would be the itis, we still decided it would be a good idea.

Royal got out of class and dropped by my apartment so we could roll out. We arrive at our destination, get seated, get our drink orders taken (Royal was trying to get some strawberry fanta but that wasn’t workin out), and hit the buffet…. bigger mistake than picking Sarah Palin as a running mate.

Right John?

I know John, I know.

By plate two the effects of the massive amounts of MSG and fried food had set in. Royal was falling asleep mid meal and I was having trouble forming sentences. But we pushed on.

Plate 3 rolled around and it was evident that this day would not end well. the check comes, gets paid and we some how manage to drive home. Royal immediately crashed on one of my 3 couches and it was curtains.

Word to the wise. If you have anything productive to do get it done BEFORE you hit the Chinese buffet. I had to go to my sports writing class where I blankly stared at a computer screen for 2 hours. Royal somehow managed to wake up and make it to his macro economics class but promptly fell asleep.

Terrible

Lets review. 1. Chinese buffets will give you the itis like you wouldn’t believe

2. Trying to do macro economics with a stomach full of dumplings and crab ragoons is harder than trying to come up with a good reason Sarah Palin belongs in Washington.

3. Jonny D and Royal will probably make this same mistake again….and love every sweat and sour sauce covered moment.

Chinese Buffet-1

Jonny D and Royal- 0

- Jonny D

Top 10 Dont be that guy: #5

Top 10 don’t be that guy #5: The guy who doesn’t know how to hold his booze so he passes out in the middle of a football game and is carried out by the cops…

I was fortunate enough to have a front row seat to all of this and got to watch it go down. Had to take a picture. Home boys eyes were closed the entire time and he could barely walk. He was most definitely the definition of The Drunkest. Probably a freshman.

Good luck explaining to mom and dad why you spent the night in the hospital getting your stomach pumped kiddo. Going make for some awesome dinner conversation over thanksgiving break.

Clown shoes

- Jonny D